The Uncle Gab Manifesto
Written by Econ
Uncle Gab signed up for RD2L Season 22 with a suspicious account. After decades of thorough investigation into the account, I have come up with conclusive evidence of crimes violated by Uncle Gab that violate league rules, United Nations charters, and most serious of all crimes against fashion.
This document will contain descriptions of evidence stored on a super-secret hard drive stored in a safe which is stored in another safe which was then buried in a desert that is located in a submarine that was eaten by a whale and then sent off to Mars for extra safe keeping.
Sinner: Uncle Gab
Crime: Murder in the First Degree
After a thorough investigation, it was concluded that Uncle Gab murdered Tupac Shakur to distract investigators from his other crimes. While this would have been shocking on its own, further investigation reveals Uncle Gab also murdered OJ Simpson’s wife.
These despicable crimes are worthy of punishment with at least 4 seasons of bans from the league.
After a thorough investigation, it was concluded that Uncle Gab crossed the street at a location that was not a pedestrian crosswalk in an area with heavy commuter traffic. Such crimes are serious and reprehensible, and as such demand a minimum of a 5 season ban from the league.
Crime: Wearing orange pants
After a thorough investigation, it was concluded that Uncle Gab possesses and wore on multiple occasions pants that are orange. Such a crime is a serious violation of fashion and as such demands a minimum of a 6 season ban from the league.
Crime: Not Telling Admins That he has a Small Donger
After a thorough investigation, it was concluded that the captain known as Mu did not adequately disclose to admins his donger issues. It is known that donger size is one of the main components to adjusting player MMRs, and as such his small donger would have adjusted his MMR higher before the draft. Failure to disclose this to admins warrants at least a 5 season ban from the league.
Crime: Allowing his brother to become an admin
A truly horrific act! Redondo knew before all of us the terrors the incompetent Trav administration would impose on the world, but did nothing to stop it. This warrants a minimum of a 6 season ban from the league.
Sinner: Admin Team
Crime: Leaving us with Sawyer Green as an admin
Alaska’s sin of leaving the admin team and as such being replaced by Sawyer Green is truly reprehensible. This serious crime against humanity warrants at least a 7 season ban from the league.
Sinner: Sawyer Green
Crime: Being Sawyer Green
Sawyer Green’s crime of being Sawyer Green should be clear to all those involved and it baffles me how this was not punished sooner. This individual’s crimes are so graphic that to describe them in any more detail would itself be a crime. This warrants a minimum of a 10 season ban from the league.
In conclusion, several high crimes have been committed that warrant serious punishment from the admin team. I have the full confidence in the admin team to not pursue any of these charges and blame it on Trav2s going forward.