The Sorting Hat: RD2L Season 28

2 min readFeb 13, 2023

Sorting the RD2L captains into their proper places

Open to bribes

Gryffindor — Gryffindors don’t skip leg day

Wit — Muscles for brains

Insane Corndog — With the rest of the crazies

Gucci down

Slytherin — The favorite house of economists, politicians, and residents of the Florida Everglades



Envi — Green with Slytherin

Dante’s Infero — We are all probably going to hell anyways

Ravenclaw — Home of academics, Bernie fans, and the liberal media

Bearcat — Can only play viper, viper has wings, therefore Ravenclaw

Captain Pepega

Below Average Lubu — At least you’re not in Hufflepuff




Hufflepuff — Ponzi scheme victims, wall street bets and crypto bros unite!

Trav2s — As Hufflepuff as it gets


Fortheboys — Style mid is the biggest fraud of them all


Roman — Picking Econ to go mid when you have Pishtya on your team is giga Hufflepuff

Azkaban — The sorting hat has had enough of your shit

Bonk — Arrested for performing inappropriate acts with a Puffskein after inhaling Floo powder

The White House — 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue

Wizard of Chaos — After the aliens from planet Nibiru invade, Americans elect Wizard of Chaos to lead the mostly free if you ignore the sweatshops world. He reaches a peace deal with the aliens and hands over Bonk as a sign of good will.

Princess — After the end of Wizard of Chaos’ term, Princess is left dealing with the aftermath as the aliens from Nibiru demand earthlings take Bonk back. Spoiler alert: we don’t take Bonk back.

Treebeard — Like the secretary of the Interior; nobody knows what this guy actually does.

House of the Dragon — Players whose descendants are prime candidates for being stabbed by Jon Snow.



House Hunters — Another name for hobos






Statistician, Gamer, Fed Watcher, Activist Investor