Are you thinking about going pro in Dota 2? If you are you looking forward to an exciting career featuring homelessness, cocaine addiction and eating out of a dumpster? My easy 10-step guide will show you how to go from a nerd to an unemployed homeless nerd.
Step 1: Reach at least rank 300 immortal on the leaderboard
If you can’t at least reach this number then you need to stop whacking off to anime like a degenerate hobo and “get good.”
Step 2: Buy a fuckload of shitty Ramen
You’re going to be living on $12,000 a year or less for a while. Your diet will consist mostly of shitty Ramen and whatever leftovers your roommates didn’t eat, unless you’re Bonk. Then your diet will probably be almost entirely crystal meth with a side of cocaine.
Step 3: Find 4 more high rank immortal players who also make terrible life decisions
Because let’s be honest, going pro is probably the worst decision you’ve made since putting your life savings in an FTX savings account.
Step 4: Qualify for the Dota Pro Circuit division 2 league and win some games
Fuck, you actually have to win Dota games? Okay, just pick the broken meta heroes or something and or try to convince the shady overseas betting companies to rig the betting AGAINST you so the other team will get paid money to throw.
Let’s be honest, everyone in Tier 2 Dota makes their money off match fixing anyways so being on the “right” side of the fix is the easiest way to win.
Step 5: Convince empyreaN not to kick you
After empyreaN’s fifth match in a row with more than 20 deaths — clearly a god of space making whose ability our feeble minds cannot comprehend — the team will need to kick someone and find a player more “able to use the space he creates” so you’ll need to find a scapegoat to take the kick for the team.
Word of advice: blame the offlaner. When shit hits the fan, the offlaner almost always gets kicked anyways so the best way to keep your spot on the team is to convince them that a new offlaner is the key to success. If you are the offlaner, blame the position 4.
Step 6: Convince yourself it was a good idea not to get kicked by empyreaN
Leaked conversation by one of my sources, whose name starts with “B” and ends with “anaslamjamma”
empyreaN: So I was smoking this fat stack of meth last night when I ran into this dude name Bonk, and he had these great ideas about how to play dota.
Bonk: What if instead of focusing on destroying the enemy ancient we focused on finding the 5 pieces of Exodia instead?
Lil Nick: They call me lil nick but I have a big-
DNM: Hold that thought Nick, I’m not entirely sure we should focus all of our strategy for our upcoming matches on getting the five pieces of Exodia given that Exodia is literally not in the game. What do you think Griffin?
Scourge Mcduck: BRISTLEBAAAAACK!
Step 7: Convince your parents after a year of medicore results that being a pro Dota 2 player is a “real” job
No advice on that one
Step 8: Qualify for Division 1 of the Dota Pro Circuit
Given that Division 2 consists of Chick-Fil-A fry cooks, homeless degenerate anime weebs, and players whose blood has by this point been replaced by a mix of Adderall, meth and cocaine this shouldn’t be too difficult.
Step 9: Qualify for a major and win enough points to make it to The International
Preferably try to do this in China, Southeast Asia or North America and definitely NOT in Europe, since the actually good teams play in Europe.
Step 10: Win The International
All you really need to do to be successful in this career is be one of the five players to win The International. Simple, really!
