Econ’s Dating Advice Column: Dating Terms for Boomers
As part of the greatest generation, you are no doubt confused and befuddled about what these new terms and dating procedures millennial, Generation Z, and other quarantine dodgers are using. Fear not retiree living off money the government borrowed and can’t ever hope to repay, I’ve got information on all the lingo you need to know.
One Night Stand: A night stand is a small table or cabinet that usually sits beside a bed. Being broke millenials, many are unable to afford a set of night stands and must therefore purchase a single night stand. While many millenials bizarrely seem to look for inexpensive one night stands at bars and clubs, this columnist suggests that one could find more affordable night stands at one’s local Ikea.
Example: After a couple drinks at the club Andrew was able to convince Bonnie to go shopping with him for a single night stand at the local Ikea.
Booty Call: A Booty Call occurs when one individual calls up another, typically late at night, to commandeer a sea-faring vessel, go on a hunt for adventure and treasure (preferentially stolen) and bury said stolen treasure on a desert island of one’s choosing to pick up at a later date.
Example: Alice was complaining to her friend Catherine that Bob called her at 2 AM for a booty call, but had only secured a measly $10 million Yacht to commandeer.
Friends with Benefits: When one friend agrees to pay for dental care and provide matching 401(k) contributions to another friend.
Example: Charles was disappointed when his friends with benefits agreement with Donna did not include paternity leave and three weeks paid vacation.
Sugar Daddy: Slang term for “Sugarfather”
Sugarfather: The head of an organized crime syndicate that uses proceeds from the sale of sugar cane and processed sugar to fund criminal operations and provide a source of money laundering for ill-gotten gains.
Example: Sugar Daddy Al Capone was able to successfully evade criminal prosecution for his bootlegging business for many years thanks to the proceeds from his Sucrose empire.
Boyfriend: A friend with a Y chromosome.
Girlfriend: A friend with an X chromosome.
Example: Abigail’s boyfriend Edward also has a girlfriend named Lauren. Abigail does not know about Lauren.
Vagina: A female muscular reproductive organ that no one feels comfortable saying, even if they are a doctor or medical professional.
Example: Charles feels it is necessary to refer to the Vagina as “the magical toaster oven” even though he has four years of undergraduate training, four years of medical school, and three years of residency.
