Dear Econ, Edition 2: Et tu, Brute?

Would a rose by another name smell as sweet? I would think so, given that Romeo broke up with his ex-girlfriend a week before finding Juliet and went to the bar for the 16th century equivalent of Tinder. For those of you who like Romeo can afford some beer and the finer things in life such as Medium premium, feel free to check out last week’s article. The rest of us will need to make do with the free article from two weeks ago.

Each week I will take questions from readers looking for advice about love, winning over the man and or woman of your dreams, and possibly on rare occasions taxes. You can reach me at Econ#0240 at Discord to ask questions, which I will answer on an (approximately) weekly basis.

Reader Questions

SlamminBammin asks: What is the best place to pick up Chicks?

Econ Answers: Have you tried a chicken farm?

Interdict Asks: Can you help me with my economics class?

Econ Addresses: I typically only engage in the arcane art of economics when I’m drunk. It’s a very sensitive Ballmer curve that peaks when I have some of the good stuff.

Mnellie Asks: Aeon Disk or Shiva’s?

Econ Alleviates: Aeon Disk with a side of Shiva’s recipe: Marinate Aeon disk overnight with basil, oregano and lemon in truffle oil. Pan sear in peanut oil until it reaches a golden brown. Serve with a poached Shiva’s disk that is deep fried and wrapped in a candied bacon. Optional: Serve with a mango reduction.

Not Reader Questions

Jon Snow asks: Suppose I take out a life insurance policy, get stabbed 17 times, and am pronounced dead. If I am brought back to life can I claim the death benefit for myself?

Econ Assesses: Great question, Jon. When you die the life insurance policy’s value is transferred to your estate and then subsequently transferred (after all claims against your estate are paid) to the beneficiary stated on the policy. In theory, even though it is your estate you would not be able to claim the insurance money.

However, before the beneficiary can be paid all claims against your estate must be paid first. You could submit receipts and claims to your estate for compensation and fees that you owed prior to your death, and these claims would have priority to the payments due to your beneficiary. Here’s how I would handle this:

1. Before you die, charge yourself $1,000,000 in consulting fees owed to yourself.
2. Get stabbed repeatedly and die.
3. Come back to life after several days.
4. Submit your receipt to consulting services for the executor of your estate.
5. Collect the insurance payout.

Remember that you have to submit the receipt AFTER you die and AFTER you are resurrected. If you submit it before you die it is cancelled upon your death. If you submit it before you are resurrected it is declared void because you are dead.

No little wolf, you are not the beneficiary to my estate.

Former Australian PM Malcom Turnbull asks: Hey Econ, love the column. Any advice on ways to avoid getting betrayed by your own friends, thrown out of office and left unemployed?

Econ Argues: I have found the best way to avoid getting stabbed in the back in a relationship is to look for these red flags. If your significant other:

1. Is Brutus you are definitely going to get stabbed in the back.
2. Holds secret meetings to talk to Brutus you are probably getting stabbed in the back.
3. Asks you to join him or her for a romantic evening of not getting stabbed in the back on March 15th you are getting stabbed in the back.
4. Mentions how he likes your nephew Octavian more than you then you’re probably getting stabbed in the back.
5. Notices you are or ever were the Prime Minister of Australia you’re not getting stabbed in the back but are definitely getting thrown out of office sooner or later. Typically, sooner rather than later.

New Austrlalian PM taking power in a violent coup

Betsy Devos asks: Hey Econ, can you recommend a policy to help teach children about the birds and the bees?

Econ Advises: Great question, Betsy. Here’s a step-by-step process for explaining the birds and the bees to young children and adults of all ages. This process is meant to quickly explain to children how the “real world” works and how to make important decisions regarding their sexual activity.

1. If a child asks where babies come from explain that it’s the hidden hand of the market and definitely not the Illuminati secretly arranging marriages to control the fate of the world. To repeat, definitely not the Illuminati.
2. If your child seems to know about sex and keeps insisting on you explain how this “hidden hand” works feel free to run the following experiment:

• Explain that the hidden hand of the market drives supply and demand.
• Take all of his or her lunch money and allowance as rent.
• Instruct him or her to open up a lemonade stand to raise funds to purchase lunch. Wait, you don’t have any start-up capital? Well, offer start-up capital using his or her mattress as collateral and require 30% equity in the lemonade stand with a 10% annual interest rate.
• After paying off your loan, take a 30% equity cut of the profit. Of the remaining 70%, take 30% as taxes.
• Welcome to capitalism. Do you still think the birds and the bees is the most important thing you should be asking about right now?

3. If you do run the experiment, charge an additional fee for tax preparation.

4. Here’s where the sex ed part kicks in: Add a new theoretical scenario where he or she got someone pregnant and or got pregnant. From the lemonade stand profits, immediately take away $15,000 every year. The child then chooses an option, DIVORCE or MARRIAGE. If the child chooses DIVORCE, he or she loses $15,000 in alimony ever year. If the child chooses MARRIAGE, he or she loses half of his or her lemonade stand profits every year.

Oh yeah!

That’s all for this week, folks. Feel free to submit your questions to Econ#0240 on Discord. Until next week, a rose by any other name might fall in another tax bracket, so you should definitely figure out if you can reclassify your roses before you import them through customs.