Dear Econ, 3rd Edition: Quantitative Econing

John Lennon once quipped “All you need is love.” That’s right millennials, if you have love you don’t need to worry about your abysmal job prospects, mountain of student loans, rent, utilities, identity theft, an aging population of baby boomers, a massive federal debt that you will be asked to repay, and the prospect of tax increases.

Because you’ve got the third edition of Dear Econ (yes I can count to 3, but here’s number 2 if you’re interested ) to help you with the one thing you only really need: love. Remember how Ben Bernanke bailed out the banks not with 30 year treasury bond buybacks but with just some love (love in the form of 30 year treasury bond buybacks)?

Econ is here with the fiscal stimulus you need to turn your depression into a “bull” market.

Reader Questions

BADGERS NEED ANSWERS

Badger Asks: hey Econ what should a retired badmin do to occupy his twilight years?”

Econ Answers: Buzzfeed style answer here since that’s what the cool kids are doing nowadays.

5 things to do (and not do) after your retirement as an RD2L admin

Do:

  1. Practice your Grimstroke in a private lobby.

Grimstroke is the hot new hero in Dota 2 (a video game about 2 giant armies fighting for a river the size of a small pond). In order to master this hero, you could spend time in a private lobby practicing your grimstroke.

2. Pay your taxes

Render unto Caesar what is Caesar’s

3. Consider starting a new romantic relationship.

Have you considered checking out Broker Check? It’s the hot new site for singles looking for investment advisers, broker dealers, and fiduciary asset managers. And sometimes love. Also, some people on the site are married… but so are people on all the other dating sites and that hasn’t seemed to get in the way of… whatever people do on Broker Check?

4. Drink some Water

It is important to stay hydrated.

5. Do whatever that letter you get in the mail from the Illuminati tells you to do.

We are always watching.

Don’t:

  1. Practice stroking yourself grimly in a lobby.

That’s just weird. The last guy who got caught doing that was shamed by his entire village so he harvested them all with a paint brush for power. Then he got fat cause he had to eat all the food in the village by himself before it expired.

This guy did some weird stuff in a Marriott and screwed over the entire village. Don’t be like this guy.

Don’t be that guy who harvests his entire village with ink then has to eat all the expiring eggs.

2. Drink coffee after dinner.

Totally screws up your sleep schedule. But hey, it’s great energy to write shitpost columns on Medium.

3. Trust a bunch of Greeks claiming that their giant wooden horse is an offering to appease the gods and a gift of peace.

IT’S A TRAP!

You know what it is

4. Volunteer to become an RD2L admin again.

IT’S ALSO A TRAP!

5. Write a relationship column for a bunch of video game nerds.

The loveboat’s maiden voyage set sail for fail and hasn’t turned back since.

Abandon ship

Tendou Tsurugi asks: Econ, When’s next Echo League Season?

Econ Assesses: Good question. You should probably ask an Echo League admin for some information about when they plan to start up league play again.

Oh wait, I’m one of them.

Maybe this column IS an Echo League season? Sure, let’s go with that. Congrats Tendou, you have just won Echo League Season 4 by beating out all the other competitors (no one). A round of applause on your hard earned win!

Amar Asks: How do I know if my penis is tingling because of a lady I see or the bartender who touched my hand gently when getting me a drink?

Econ Alleviates: That tingling is probably Chlamydia. I’m not sure which one gave it to you.

Xccepted Asks: For dear econ. Why econ big gay?

Econ Xccepts your question: It’s not gay when it’s in a three-way

Strider Asks: Dear Econ, how can i achieve the ever elusive rank of Divine 3? Should I reach out to Subject for personal coaching, both irl and in dota? Should I employ Badger as my wingman to make sure I stay positive and optimistic in the face of adversity? Or should I embrace the darkside and only party que with Malakai? I’m conflicted. Any help would be very much appreciate.

Kind regards, Strider.

Econ Strides Forward: Here are some ways to reach the Divine 3 rank into Dota 2.

  1. Buy a Divine 3 account with money.
  2. Pay someone to boost your account with money.
  3. Kidnap Miracle and make him play on your account in a locked room until he reaches Divine 3.
  4. Only party queue with baboons Malakai tier and up (always embrace the dark side).
  5. DO A BARREL ROLL!
  6. Practice Grimstroke in a lobby.
  7. Do not practice stroking yourself grimly in a lobby.
With enough money perhaps even the Bulldog himself will boost your MMR

Gohan Asks: where the fudge is the cheat sheet?

Econ Answers: Thanks for that very specific and detailed question on cheat sheets. You don’t need a cheat sheet. The illuminati have already rigged everything to work out in our favor and only create the illusion of you having control of your destiny. Bearing that in mind, feel free to use whatever cheat sheet your heart desires.

OH YEAH!

That’s all for this week, folks. Feel free to submit your questions to Econ#0240 on Discord. Until next week, all you need is love and possibly trillions of dollars in expansionary monetary policy to solve all your problems in life.

--

--

Get the Medium app

A button that says 'Download on the App Store', and if clicked it will lead you to the iOS App store
A button that says 'Get it on, Google Play', and if clicked it will lead you to the Google Play store